Don't Read An Unjustifiable Rant

Dear Hubby,

Again this year, you've asked me what I want for my birthday. Here's the short list:

Obedience. From you. Do what I ask when I ask and don't give me a bunch of flap because honestly, I'm just not that interested. When I want your opinion I'll take the bit out of your mouth.

Is this too much to ask? It's only one measly little thing and the best part is that it will cost you NOTHING out-of-pocket. All you have to do is exactly what I want, except for those times when I say I don't want you to do something (like do the dinner dishes or bring me coffee in bed) in which I will expect you to understand that "no, honey, you don't have to do that" means "YES! do it NOW and make it snappy!!!"

I've also decided that I'm tired of doing laundry and preparing food every day, so I'd like you to do that, too. And you know those times when I beg you to take the Beans for a stroll so I can vaccuum because when I vaccuum around them they totally freak out and SCREAMSCREAMSCREAM inconsolably? Instead of that, I'd like you to take them out and vaccuum so that I can read a book. Because although I so very much enjoy vaccuuming and could never consider it a chore, I really should keep (what's left of) my mind sharp so that I can be a better partner to you :) HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

And let's talk about dusting. Dusting is when I take a cloth or ten and walk around the house cleaning dust off of things like the TV I practically never watch, the books I never get to read, the projects piled on my desk that I have no time to touch, and all the Craps that permanently inhabit our house. I'd like you to do that, too.

Then there's the matter of the stinky Diaper Genie. I'm tired of Doody Duty so please see to that, too.

Oh, and I'd like a couple of light bulbs. You know the light bulbs that burnt out in the garage the week after we moved in here? And how I have to walk across the garage floor at night with my arms straight out in front of me to get to the dryer or the door, and have to take really big, marching steps to make sure I don't stub my toe on the shoes you left out there? Yeah, if you could replace those, that would be greeeeeaaaat. Okay?

I'll stop there for now. Remember how I was giggling this morning over what I was going to post today? This was it. This is what I decided I wanted for my birthday while cleaning up the coffee that overflowed from the coffeepot and ran all over the counter because of-- what did you call it? Oh yeah, the "stupid coffeepot". Really? It's the coffeepot's fault? The coffeepot malevolently unseated itself from its happy little home in squat-and-receive position after you carefully set it there last night, figuring he'd show you who's boss? There's no operator error in the equation? Is this like the time you blamed the Bean you were holding for spilling coffee ALL OVER THE BED one morning? Who was holding the Bean? Who wasn't watching where the little Bean appendages were flying? And who ended up cleaning that mess?

Oh, wait there is ONE more thing. I would like for you to delete the phrase, "Do you think this is still good?" (said while holding up something from the fridge/ counter/ cabinet for my inspection) from your vocab. Yes, it was really funny (for you) to keep asking that of me the first eighty-nine times you used it after I politely asked you to please knock it off and then told you to shut the hell up. If you quit saying that, I might be able to let the entire obedience thing go. That's how much I hate you asking me that. If you don't know don't ask me anymore, because I'll tell you that it's ALL good and then you can get your own food-poisoned self to the hospital because I'll be too busy rolling on the floor laughing because a) you actually had the nerve to ask me that question AGAIN, and b) you were dumb enough to believe my answer.

That's all for now. Fortunately you'll understand, since you're really the only person on Earth who gets me. I know you won't give me what I want, but I'll always enjoy attempting to manipulate you into doing my bidding. Love you, and Happy Birthday to ME!!!! I'm sure I'll enjoy getting to do all that housework by myself :)